As one leading astrologer insisted last week that the stars had aligned for Mayor Bloomberg to join either party’s presidential ticket as vice-president, Bloomberg seemed less interested in D.C. prophesying than in gazing into his green crystal ball—where he saw wind-powered turbines atop skyscrapers and the Brooklyn Bridge. State Senate Minority Leader Malcolm Smith suggested that lobbyists accelerate donations to Democrats in advance of their all but foretold takeover in Albany this November. (He later insisted he was kidding.) New studies found New York to be the most competitive city on Earth—not that we really care what runners-up London and Tokyo think. The city announced the opening of eighteen new charter schools. Two female transit cops were arrested for pistol-whipping a man who’d left his car door ajar. A briefly famous two-headed turtle was shoplifted from a Windsor Terrace pet store. A hot-dog cart on the Upper East Side caught fire and nearly torched a Ralph Lauren boutique. The Cruise family strolled the city’s streets looking suspiciously normal, with the adorable toddler Suri leading the charm offensive. Gossip Girl filmed a Serena-Blair catfight in Ditmas Park; Brooklyn was acting as a Hamptons stunt double. Nine quirky bike racks designed by David Byrne appeared throughout the city. The prognosis for Mets closer Billy Wagner’s elbow turned from bad to worse. Eastern Savings Bank began foreclosure proceedings on two Manhattan apartments owned by Roc-A-Fella co-founder Damon Dash, who was allegedly $7 million behind in payments. And exasperated serial lover boy John Mayer held an impromptu press conference outside the Equinox gym in Soho, explaining that his summer romance with Jennifer Aniston ended “because I don’t want to waste somebody’s time if something’s not right.”

Have good intel? Send tips to intel@nymag.com.

Related:

• Archive: “It Happened Last Week”
• Articles by Mark Adams
• Table of Contents: Sep 1, 2008 issue of New York | Subscribe!